Saturday, May 27, 2006

Saturday's theme: men fight over Julia Ormond

The only thing that would make this day more Julia-Ormond-tastic would be a showing of the Sabrina remake. I wonder if men now avoid Julia because they're worried that they will fall for her, then one of their close male friends/relatives will fall for her, and then there will be bloodshed and death. At least she managed to get a husband! He's probably an only child. And a loner. And I'm off-topic.

First Knight (11AM, TNT): Like Guinevere, Julia Ormond's character in this film, many women have found themselves forced to choose between Sean Connery and Richard their dreams. Chivalry + adultery + swords = emo!

Legends of the Fall (1:30PM, TNT): Elliot from E.T., the villain from Stakeout, and Thelma's boytoy all want to get on Julia Ormond. Family discord + death + long hair = emo!

Romancing the Stone (3:30PM, WE): The only movie in which Michael Douglas is hot. I know some of you ladies are going to disagree with me, but I'm sticking firm on this one. I liked The American President and Wonder Boys, but they remain blissfully attraction-free.

The River Wild (5:00PM, WGN): The movie that cemented Kevin Bacon's creepiness and Meryl Streep's awesomeness doing anything whatsoever in front of the camera.

Pieces of April (5:25, IFC): Relive the days when Katie Holmes was picking hot, age-appropriate men and interesting roles. Patricia Clarkson is shiny and awesome as Katie's mom.

10 Things I Hate About You (6PM, Comedy Central): I saw this movie in the theater with a group of my friends for my birthday. My friends told me watching bitchy, standoffish, soccer-playing Kat was like watching me onscreen, but with longer hair. I found this perfectly acceptable, provided it would lead me to a Heath Ledger of my very own. At press time, Heath still belongs to Michelle Williams.

My Best Friend's Wedding (8PM, TBS): I'm not really sure what makes Dermot Mulroney so special that two women need to fight over him. I mean, come on, it's not as if he's Julia Ormond or something.

After reviewing the films above, I come to the conclusion that nothing can stop me from watching a Quantum Leap marathon.


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